my sometimes confessions

If you spend a little time around the church, or so-called religious people, you start to hear a lot of semi-foreign lingo (words, phrases, and terminology that makes little sense outside the context of religion); something we people in the church like to call Christianese— side note: I find it somewhat ironic that the religious people have a religious term to describe words foreign to people who do not consider themselves religious—but that is not the point I am making.

If you spend a lot of time around the church, it becomes tempting to drop these Christianese words into causal conversation, usually in an attempt to sound more religious and gain more respect from your fellow religious people. Justification, sanctification, transgressions, predestination, substitutionary atonement, reconciliation, regeneration, propitiation… to name a few. And to be sure, if you can use the words correctly, you do sound more religious. Bravo.

I think I have spent too much of my life trying to be religious. I want people to respect me, to admire me, to want my advice and to think it is worth heeding. And I want people, a lot of people, to like me. So, sometimes I pretend I am smarter than I am.

And sometimes I pretend I am more together than I am.

And sometimes I make up little lies to make myself look better.

And sometimes I tell people I never got their text when I absolutely, positively did get it.

And sometimes I get mad at my boyfriend when he did nothing wrong.

And sometimes I skip church.

And sometimes I feel like life would be so much better if I had someone else’s life.

And sometimes I’m insecure.

And sometimes I go to Starbucks to have quite time and have facebook time instead.

And sometimes I get annoyed with people who drop those Christianese words.

And sometimes I try to drop the Christianese words.

And sometimes I just get tired of trying so hard to be a Christian.

When I look at my life in detail, sometimes I don’t really like it. I could be so much better for a God who deserves so much more. I am a complicated, inconsistent mess— not sometimes, but pretty much all of the time.

And then sometimes I have moments where I remember that God loves every part of me. And I think about the cross, and how I did nothing to earn that grace. Sometimes I really begin to understand that it is in the not trying that grace and peace are truly characteristics of my life. And then I smile, and do my best to make decisions every day that reflect a woman not trying to be anything other than a daughter of Christ.

Tomorrow I will forget that God does not want me to try so dang hard, especially for the sake of other people. But later on I will remember it again. And tomorrow I will have more things to confess. And soon after I will remember grace. And the cycle will continue. My hope is that as I learn more and love my Savior more, that maybe I will at least forget a little less often. I can promise I won’t be perfect, but I can remember that Jesus already was and always will be.

And He’s not just perfect sometimes, but all the time.