Me, My and Mine

Confession: I have a thing for C.S. Lewis.  (And I’ve already told Alex about it so it’s totally ok).  The man is brilliant, a spiritual giant in every sense of the word.  His thoughts so often are the bridge my mind takes between biblical truth and practical application.  I can’t even count how many times I have read Lewis’ words and thought, “Oh, THAT’S what God meant!  Brilliant!”  When I get to Heaven, I want to fall on my knees before Jesus, hug Elizabeth and Mary, shake hands with John the Baptist and Paul, and then have coffee with C.S. Lewis—in that order.

A few months ago I read The Screwtape Letters, and at the time I was digesting so much good stuff that not all of it sat with me.  But lately, what I have been learning is taking me back to something I remember thinking about when I read the book—my major overuse of a certain set of possessive pronouns: me, my, and mine.

And now I wonder: What would happen to my faith if I took those words out of my vocabulary? 

My time would no longer be mine but God’s time—with no detail escaping his notice and nothing happening that he cannot walk me through, my day would be spent actually doing what he asked of me.  I would be less concerned about my schedule and more concerned that how I spent the time I was given—even in the mundane—was kingdom minded.

My knee would no longer be mine but part of God’s workmanship.  Surgeries, rehab, and bad news have characterized the better part of the last nine years, and I have always viewed it is as my knee, my ability to move, and my comfort to lose.  I am wondering now that if I had seen my knee—and my whole body— as God’s gift to begin with, I might not have struggled so much to watch the athlete Katie turn into the always-limping Katie.  I might have taken comfort in the fact that God has always known what my body would be capable of, that He still knows what it will be capable of, and he has me right where he wants me.

My marriage would no longer be mine but God’s love story on display.  Pretty soon I am going to be a bride, and all of the language surrounding the preparations of the day have been about, well, mostly me: I tell people what my wedding colors are, where my wedding venue is, what my bridesmaids will wear.  But what if none of this day is mine but His?  What if I really saw this wedding as a party of gratitude that God gave me Alex so that He could teach me more about Himself?  And what if I stopped talking about marriage like Alex and I are the possessors of it but like we are the stewards of the amazing gift it is? It would probably have changed how I have prepared for it, and it will certainly change how I live it.  If I really believe it is a brief glimpse of the love He has for us, it becomes less about me right away.   And on that note…

My fiancé would no longer be mine but God’s son and the man He picked out to love me.  I would consistently treat Alex with the respect he deserves, and I would worry less that my needs are being met and more that his heart is safe and secure in Jesus.  I would pray for him in bolder, bigger, more faithful ways than I do.   

My house would no longer be mine, but the place God gave us to live where, hopefully, a family is raised with the truth of God as a foundation and friends are welcomed, cared for, and prayed for.

My money would no longer be mine but God’s blessing for me to steward and bless others with.

My opinions, my education, my friends, my goals, my possessions, my future…

What if none of this is mine?  What if I truly treated everything in my life like it belongs to the One who gave it to me in the first place?  That’s a humbling thought for me.

In the animated movie Finding Nemo, the seagull “characters” pop up a few times throughout the film and make everyone laugh as they all fly toward the treat that has been thrown at them, yelling, “Mine!” “Mine!” “Mine!” “Mine!” “Mine!”  We are certainly not seagulls, but I wonder sometimes if we are so different.  How often do we find ourselves competing for the money, the job, the reputation, the car, the clothes or the relationships just so that we can call them “mine?” 

Lewis writes it from the point of view of Screwtape this way (and remember in this phrase ‘the Enemy’ is referring to God and ‘our father’ is referring to Satan):  “we have taught men to say ‘my God’ in a sense not really very different from ‘my boots’, meaning ‘the God on whom I have a claim for my distinguished services and whom I can exploit from the pulpit—the God I have done a corner in’… And all the time the joke is that the word ‘Mine’ in its fully possessive sense cannot be uttered by a human being about anything.  In the long run either Our Father or the Enemy will say ‘Mine’ of each thing that exists, and especially of each man.  They will find out in the end, never fear, to whom their time, their souls and their bodies really belong—certainly not to them, whatever happens."

The sin nature in each one of us has a default mode of “mine”—and never on this earth will we master the art of complete selflessness and holding our hands open to blessings.  Without exception, everything under Heaven was given to us; but daily we have to fight down the pride that says "I earned it, I deserve, and it is mine."  But maybe we could just start by thinking about all the uses of me, my and mine in our day, and do our best to remember they are most certainly not ours, but His.

*The picture above represents the "everything under Heaven" idea- and it was taken by the amazingly- and humbly- talented, Katie Trayser*

the flipped side of familiar

I’m officially a Midwest girl again. I arrived in Wheaton on Thursday evening, without eye-makeup on and dressed in a certain numbness- part hopeful, part heartbroken.  My thoughts were jumbled. Loud and clear and then painfully distant. Polished and rational, then absurd and confused. I knew how to do life in Arizona. I knew what exit to take on the 51, I knew to wear a sundress to combat the 110 degree heat but to pack a sweater for the instant chill of indoor AC, I knew exactly how to order my drink at The Coffee Bean, I knew the layout of the Desert Ridge Target, I knew how to do my job, and I truly knew the people around me in deep and meaningful ways.  Arizona, in my seven years of residence, had become completely stable. Comforting. Familiar.

Familiar, in my life, is a coin that I’m constantly flipping. On one side, (let’s call it 'heads') familiar means family. It means being relentlessly surrounded by the people, places, tastes, and smells that make me tick. It means falling gently into a routine that breathes the breath of life into others and knowing where to go to fill up my own tank. It means having a schedule, a plan, and a backup plan. Familiar is knowing the good brunch spots, and always ordering the right thing off the menu. It’s warm, it’s inviting. It’s knowing and being fully known.

On the 'tails' side of familiar is the status-quo. It’s feeling underwhelmed and under-challenged. It’s realizing nothing scares me. It’s confessing that life has been folded and neatly compiled into a corner where I can keep my eye on it. It’s clinching with white-knuckles on the steering wheel of where my future is headed. It’s lifeless and mundane. Predictable and ordinary.  It screams for a trust in something bigger than myself, but relies solely on the strength that only I am equipped with. And here’s the part that is most dreaded about this side of familiar: it’s easy.

Don’t let it be too easy. Don’t know exactly what the day holds without some wiggle room for God to truly use you. 

Maybe you’re living a life so extreme and independent that you’re longing for some familiar faces that know you and love you. Or maybe you have those faces surrounding you and you’re longing for a life that is challenging and bigger than what you can dream up yourself. I’ve been there. Both places.  And God provides fellowship and he provides purposes when we have the faith to pray and ask for them.  (Sometimes he does even without us asking.)

One thing is for certain in my own life. The perfect balance is found only in making God my most familiar. In him I am home, I am fully known and fully accepted just how I am... today. In him I am challenged. I am moved, surrendered and trudging through a life that far exceeds my own limits. He yearns to cover us in his familiar presence. It is only there that we will feel safe. Safe… but with butterflies in our stomach knowing something BIG is about to take place. Something only the living God could dream up, something that may not make sense to those who don’t know him. Something unfamiliar to us, but carefully mapped-out by the most familiar hands we will ever know. 

college

At 18 years old, I thought I knew a lot about the world. 

At 26, I don’t think I know much at all. 

But I happen to know a few, beautiful, talented, fun, energetic, off-to-college 18 year old girls— and I am writing this partly because I can’t believe you are grown-ups and I am feeling nostalgic, but mostly because I love you and wish only wonderful memories for you during the next season of your lives… so, here are the things I do know about college.

1.   It’s hard.  The first semester in particular, because you will miss home (some moments more than others) you will miss having your own room, you might learn more than you wanted to know about your roommate, you will feel nervous about finding the right classroom, you will have a teacher that you cannot understand well, and you will probably have moments of loneliness—even surrounded by thousands of other students—because in those moments you wonder who really knows who you are…

2.   It’s testing.  I know I am not the first and certainly won’t be the last person to tell you that there is no shortage of not-so-good options in college.  You can find one on a Wednesday morning as easily as you can on a Saturday night.  And these choices will always be there, and you will watch a lot of people you love make them, and you will probably make some of them yourself.  But do whatever it takes to make more good choices than bad ones.  Pick church over sleeping in, Bible study over Happy Hour, homework over beer pong, people who have always loved you over the guy who won’t be there in the morning.  And by all means, choose those Frat parties sparingly!  Go to one, see that you are not missing anything, and never go again, ok girls?!

3.   It’s mind-opening.  College makes your world bigger, in all the best ways.  Until now, you have never been in a biology lab with a single mom of three kids trying to finish her degree.  You have never sat with 700 other students in the same class and been identified as a number.  You have probably never done a group project with a recently married gay woman, an Iraq war veteran, a Theology major, a volunteer for Ron Paul’s presidential campaign, and a sorority member.  But you will do these things, and you will learn that everyone has a different lens through which they see the world.  Listen to their stories, value their experience, respect their humanity.  And all the while, dive deeper into God’s word and hold on tightly to your own story.  Confidently believe in who you are, humbly accept who everyone else is. 

4.   It’s faith-shaping.  No matter where you go to school, you will hear people in positions of authority challenge the Bible, Jesus, and even the notion of God.  I dare you to not run away from the questions but to acknowlege them.  Explore your doubts—the world is scary, and the more you realize that the more likely you are to have them at some point.  Talk with pastors, mentors, and small groups about tough topics.  Don’t be afraid to say, “Hmmm, I wonder about this…” Because I believe two things will happen for you: 1) You will eventually emerge from your questions knowing that life does not make sense without Jesus, and 2) You will confront the hard realities of this world wanting to be someone God uses to do something about them, rather than someone who blames God for them. 

5.   It’s super fun.  There is not a time of my life that I enjoyed more than college.  Lots of freedom, not a lot of bills to pay, a ton of learning, meeting so many awesome people, eating cereal for dinner, planning for your future… it’s pretty cool.  Soak it up.  Go to the free concerts, get in line for the speakers that come to campus, join clubs and play intramurals, try to get all of your classes to fit in Monday thru Thursday and have a semester of three-day weekends, be a good friend, listen well to others and don’t give your time or your heart to anyone who doesn’t listen well to you.  Take lots of pictures, call your parents often to tell them you’re fine, and just enjoy being right where you are. 

You’re off to bigger and better things now.  No one else can make decisions for you, and no one else can live with the outcome of your decisions.  You have a chance to be whoever you want to, embrace that.  And remember that you are daughters of the Creator of the Universe, and that means you have everything you need.

And please, try to remember that frat parties are stupid. 

Wishing you smiles, blessings, lessons, and love each and every day. 


*Couldn't resist adding this one, mostly because of Erin.  Love you.*