engaged

My best friend and the most amazing match God could have ever given to me asked me to be his wife last week. It was the sweetest, most perfect (and emotional) moment I could have imagined: me and Alex, my living room, him on one knee, me totally surprised, a “yes” through tears, and a hug that took my breath away. I have never felt so happy in my life! Moments like the one I just got to have are moments girls dream about. I did not stop grinning until I went to sleep, and even then I think I dreamt with a smile on my face.

But what most people don’t know is that Alex and I might not have ever had this moment.

We are two very imperfect people. We met each other with parts of our past we wish we didn’t have and aspects of our personalities that still need refining. We have unintentionally hurt each other and our relationship has not been without its share of tears. But we are here, engaged, in love, wanting only each other for the rest of our lives.

Allow me to share how I believe we arrived at engaged…

~ Jesus. He is truly the only thing that gives meaning to the word grace. His life is the only perfect example of selflessness, humility, patience, and unconditional love that we will ever have. Jesus taught us what treasuring another person really means, and he gave up his life to show us what it looks like. Alex and I have needed our fair share of grace with one another, and I know we have only been able to give it because it was first given to us in a measure so much greater.

~ Prayer. At the toughest and scariest moments, there has been prayer: a straight line to the sustainer of the universe. And when we have reached out to him, he has yet to not answer, and sometimes in more amazingly big ways than I could have imagined. When we have neglected to talk to Jesus, our emotions often create a bigger mess than we started with. Prayer slows down our minds, refocuses our heart, and in some miraculous way allows us to hear a whisper that guides our steps.

~ Best friends. The one who answers the phone in the early hours of the morning or finds a way to multitask with her baby so she can listen to you cry uninterrupted for an hour. The very small group of people who you are not afraid to share the biggest mess with because you know they won’t judge, they will only encourage and counsel. Our best friends see things that we cannot possibly see through tears, and remind us of things we forget when our mind is in a fog. I don’t think any relationship survives on an island alone; I know mine certainly hasn’t.

~ Wise, godly mentors. If there was ever a moment when I thought I had this relationship thing down, I apologize here and now. I don’t have it down, I wonder if I ever will. But, God has placed people in our lives who have spoken truth to us at the perfect moments. People who have told us about the realities of being a couple that loves Jesus in a world that doesn’t. People that have prayed for us and with us. People that have laughed and said, “Oh I’ve been there.” People that have said: “There is nothing beyond God’s redemption. Nothing.” There is so much that can be learned from listening to the words of people who have spent their lives loving the Lord and are willing to share what their journey has taught them. Alex and I will forever be grateful and indebted to our mentors.

~ Humility. We have to constantly work on this, but I don’t think any trait has been more important to our relationship than the willingness to be the low man. Most of the time it is Alex who takes that role (because he is really good at it already), but the more he puts me first the more I want to put him first. And if there is any competition that is good for a relationship it is trying to out-serve each other. I am so thankful for a man who takes pleasure out of serving, affirming, and loving me.

~ Individual walks with the Lord. If we had not been seeking the Lord as an individual daughter and son of Christ, Alex and I would not be getting married. Without cultivating the most important relationship in our lives, I do not see how we could love each other, forgive each other, or even have the motivation to fight for one another. Our hearts were made for Jesus, and they will only be fully alive and whole in Jesus. And we have learned that we can only love each other when we are madly in love with Jesus first. The minute Alex becomes my savior I am setting him up for failure- because no human being can live up to the standard of savior. But the good news is no human being has to, Jesus already did.

Before I met Alex, I had the illusion of perfection: I would be the perfect Christian girl who met the perfect Christian guy, and we would stay pure until we were married and I would never be lonely and I would always feel pretty and we would have daily devotional time together and someday our kids would be perfect Jesus-loving men and women. Perfect.

Every bit of that picture is false, but reality is so much better. I am a big, insecure mess, but God gave me someone who loves the mess. Alex is like every guy who does his best to understand the inconsistency of women but just sometimes can’t- and I love every bit of him for it. Purity is a daily battle for us, but one that we take seriously because we wholeheartedly want to begin our lives as a married couple having waited for what God always intended. We don’t always make time for couples devotions, sometimes we watch Sportscenter instead. And while children are not in the immediate future, we have learned enough about our imperfections that we realize it will only be by the grace of God that our kids end up loving Him. Reality is much more of a daily reliance on Jesus than I ever thought it would be, but that is what has made it so much better!

Being engaged is fun. We get to talk about a wedding and think about our lives in the future together. But it has also made me reflect on the road that we’ve taken here. Far from perfect, not always easy, but without a doubt wonderful. And God is bigger to me today than he has ever been.

I hope that every day Alex and I can stop, reflect, and say that God is bigger today than he ever has been.