the list that never got made- part 1

Pre-Baby Bucket List.  Love this idea.  I think it is a super fun and creative way to see that you and your hubby are doing all the things you want to do before baby comes.  Things like:

Go to Asia
Spend a long weekend in a cozy cabin
Complete a triathlon together
Take a few Ph.D. courses
Finish Nursing School
Build up our savings accounts

This was our list-in-the-making.  We had never officially written anything down, but we had started putting money away for our trip to the Philippines, we looked at triathlons in Seattle and California, we even scoped out cute cabins on the Puget Sound.  We have been contributing to our 401Ks and Mutual Funds and the savings account was slowly—pretty dang slowly, if I'm honest— making its way along. 

And then the test had two pink lines.  All five of them did, actually.  (Yes, I took five tests over the course of 3 hours.  In that state of shock, that was the least crazy thing I said/did in those 24 hours in April). 

Here is the honest, from my heart truth: I have never wanted to be anything more than I want to be a mom.  Alex and I talked about baby names in our second month of dating (hey, that can be a deal-breaker, ladies), and he has had to put up with my dreaming and talking about “let’s start trying late in 2013… well how do you feel about maybe September of 2013.. ok, you’re right early 2014 is better…” almost our entire marriage.  It was definitely there, that desire and dream and wish to have a baby.  But it was out-there, somewhere in the intangible future, far enough away that my only job was to keep dreaming about it.  And now it’s not just there, existing in my hopes and plans, it is here… that baby is (almost) here.

We have our 20 week ultrasound this week, and we’ll get to see if our baby has all of its organs and arms and legs, if the brain looks healthy so far, and of course, we’ll find out what his or her name is (for the record, my money is on boy).  I am anxious before every doctor appointment.  Every single one.  But this one, this is the half-way point.  I am beyond excited to see our baby, but I am in total disbelief that half of my pregnancy is behind me.  I still feel like I just realized I am really pregnant.       

So our Pre-Baby Bucket List has changed.  The Asia trip fund is now allocated for medical bills, the triathlon goal has been exchanged for “get up the stairs without getting winded,” and the long weekend in a cozy cabin actually means road trips to Seattle to savor time with family and finding fun recipes on pinterest to make at home.  Now, the things we want to check off of our list before the baby arrives looks like:

Prayer
Spend as much time together as possible
Say “yes” to time with friends, as often as we can
Ask good questions of good mentors
Pray some more
Ride the bike to save money on gas
Finish the “Friday Night Lights” series.  Again.
Sleep in while we can
Pray a whole lot more

It is an incredible blessing to have to change your plans for what is so clearly God’s plan.  I really do feel that way. 

There are a thousand things that scare me about raising a baby (finances, work, health insurance, health in general, oh, and just keeping another human being alive are among them).  But they are all trumped by the fact that God is giving this tiny- but actually huge- miracle to us, so in some crazy way, He must think we are ready.  I love our unpredictable life, because we have an unchanging God.  And the miracle of all miracles is that this God loves us with a crazy love, far greater that how I feel about Alex and already think about baby Blackburn.  It’s a love bigger than words, bigger than life.

P.S. I’ll be back late this week to tell you who baby Blackburn is.  In the meantime, if you are a mom, longing to be a mom someday, or just loving the moms, dads and kiddos around you, can I say from the bottom of my heart thank you.  If I understood God’s timing, how he gives and holds back, like He means us to understand it I would certainly share that, but I don’t.  But I understand at least one thing: I think we are all in this together, and I have learned and gleaned lessons about being not only a mom, but a teacher and a mentor, from my own mom, from my best friend who is raising little babies, from my best friend who prays in big ways for my little growing family, from the woman who has 3 of her own kids and 4 from other moms, from my old mentor who is still waiting for her baby, from co-workers, from friends who are adopting, from friends who have lost a baby, from the moms of my close friends, and from those of you honest enough to share your lives in writing.  God has graciously weaved our stories together in both big and small ways, and if I am at all at “good” mom it is only by God’s grace... and because I have known some really incredible women along the way.