the middle

One of the things I love most about writing is the fearless honesty it demands out of me. I could use this entry on this lovely last day in February to write of how to squeeze the most juice out of life or to enlighten others on a lesson I have recently learned, but today is different. Today I’m in the middle.

I find myself falling into the middle category quite often. I’m a middle child in order of birth, I’ve lived in the middle of the United States for a majority of my life, and rarely do I range anywhere from the middle when selecting the heat of my salsa. But today I’m in the middle of a decision. A decision so mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting that I’m ready for a nap by 10 am. A decision so exquisitely cut down the middle that I’m finding a deeper meaning to the term “50/50.” A decision that can only be made with the aid, wise counsel, and divinity of the One True God.

I work with high school students. And even though I’m finding a new appreciation for texting an entire conversation, Vans that go with every outfit, and hearing the words, “oh my gosh you look like Taylor Swift,” I feel for these kids when it comes to decision making. For many, college is on the horizon.  I can remember with such clarity the mind-numbing process of selecting the ONE school, among thousands, that perfectly suited me and fit my criteria. (Palm trees? Check. Pool at my dorm? Check.)  I went back and forth so many times. Confused and in desperate need of wisdom.

And that’s where I find myself today. Confused and in desperate need of wisdom. The middle causes lists that run deeper than pros and cons. The middle produces scenarios that resemble reality because of how often they’ve been played out in my mind. The middle is scary and uncharted. Spinning, but eerily still. And after what seems like a marathon of back and forth there’s only one thing left to do. Decide.

Life is full of hard decisions. The ones that make your arms hurt from the equal pull of each side. And I’m finding that all I can do while I’m stuck in the middle is embrace this stance with my arms wide open. Reassured that true freedom comes from surrendering it all. And as I wait in desperate need of wisdom from my Wonderful Counselor, I envision the cross. And how a man followed through with a hard decision with arms wide open, nailed to a tree. Jesus came to rid this world of the middle. Eliminating with one loving act the shaky uncertainty of the future. So I could know for certain that only ONE decision truly matters. And that’s choosing Him.

And so even though when I was 10 years old I chose Him for the first time… Fifteen years later I choose Him again. I choose Jesus. And that, my friends, is far from the middle.