to-do lists

I am about to write about something that I often cannot do.  And while we all know people who certainly live this out a little better than others, I think it is safe to say we all fall short most of the time.  It’s about loving people.  And not merely loving them because we feel like we have to, but really, wholeheartedly loving people. 

I call it loving well. 

And by well, I mean unconditionally, selflessly, purely, joyfully, all the time.

Being showered, covered, filled with love the past few weeks has made me think deeply about loving well.  Mostly, I am seeing the ways I don’t do it and thinking about how much I want it to be one of the things that defines my life, what I want to be known for as much as anything else I accomplish.  Nothing is more life-giving than loving someone, and it is worth doing with intention and genuineness.  As I sit here in a cozy Starbucks in Banff, Canada (because where else would I write?) I am thinking about where I am missing the mark, and I know there are a handful of things I can do to love better.  This list is certainly not all-inclusive, and those of you who know me well could probably—no, definitely— add to it.  But I am blessed with gracious friends and family who love me even though they have all the information necessary to not.  Thank you for that.  For now, here is my “Love well to-do list”:

Listen before I speak.  As much as I may think I understand a situation, I probably don’t.  Human beings are layers and layers of complexity and emotion, and often times I give myself permission to label someone and the situation they are in without their consent.  I use my education, my experience, or worse, my so-called “spiritual-ness” to justify my opinion, and I am finding that this is more damaging than it is helpful.  More often than not, people do not need a diagnosis, they need to be heard, to be reminded that God is good, to be sincerely prayed for, to be cared about.  I think that most of the time, people don’t even want my words as much as they want my ears, but my desire to sound like I have a solution usually trumps their desire to be understood.  Lord, give me a heart that listens before you give me a mouth that speaks. 

Read Galatians 6:14 every day.  As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Because of the cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me also has died.  The problem is that I want things to boast about… I actually want you to tell me that you like how Kristin and I write and that my hair looked nice and that I am smart and pretty good at my job and will make a good mom some day.  As much as I wish I wasn’t, I am interested in those things.  But I am finding that they bring me more bondage than they do freedom, and I cannot love you well when I am depending on you to tell me good things about myself.  Don’t get me wrong, complimenting, praising and pointing out beautiful things about each other are good, necessary things, and we must keep encouraging in order to love well.  But I know that your applause won’t sustain my joy for very long, and as soon as it stops I am out of love to give you.  My source of joy has to be the cross, every day, all the time, in any circumstance, because the cross is really the only perfect example of loving well.

Celebrate everything.  Sometimes I am reluctant to join others in their joy.  Why?  The options are pride, judgment or jealousy, and all of those are very ugly qualities in someone.  When great things happen to others, I want to be the first to celebrate with them.  And not just by clicking “like” on facebook, but with a phone call that says with sincerity “I am so happy for you!”  There have been times when I was so blinded by my own myopic thoughts that I have missed a chance to love someone well.  At certain times in my life, whether is has been an outfit, a job, an engagement, a house, or a baby…  if I wanted it and someone else got it, I did not truly celebrate with them.  I may have done something on the surface, but my heart was more envious than happy.  There is no love in pity parties, but there is more love than we know what to do with in celebrations.  Whether it is a big thing or a small thing, I want to celebrate all that is good with no thought of myself.  I want to love others by adding my joy to theirs. 

Write down my prayers for others.  In my opinion, “I’m praying for you” is one of the most over-said and under-done phrases in the world.  And it’s because it is such a powerful phrase that is way too easy to say.  When I tell someone I am praying for them, there is a part of me that feels like my work is done.  “There, I did the Christ-like thing to do and threw out the prayer card, now… on to my life’s concerns.”  But then I have moments when I remember that life is much too hard for trite offerings to pray.  If I am not actually going to stop and pray, I should be ashamed of myself for even saying it.  For me, the discipline of praying for others comes in my journal, in actually putting words to paper and offering those thoughts to the One who knew them before I did.  Praying for others reminds me that at any given moment when I feel my life is tougher than anyone understands, a hundred hard things are happening to people I love, and they need me to not say I will pray, but just pray.  They will pray for me when I need it, too.  Prayer, real prayer, is loving someone well.   

Send real mail.  This one is simple, and who honestly does not like getting real mail?  There is something about hand written notes that makes us feel a little extra cared for, because whoever wrote it took more than two minutes, thought it was important enough to pay 44 cents for a stamp, and loved me enough to want me to have that moment of happiness when I grabbed her letter from the pile.  I want to do the best job I can of reminding people that I think they are pretty great, and every so often I want it to be a little more than a text.  I want to give others something to put in their drawer and pull out at the right moment, when they need a reminder that they are loved.  I have kept almost every letter ever written to me since third grade, because the words in them still make my heart happy.  Sometimes loving well is the simplest gesture with the biggest impact. 

I am an unbelievably blessed girl, well beyond what my life deserves.  I am more thankful for a God who is merciful and friends with exclusive memories than I can say.  But it is one of the most genuine desires of my heart to love others better than I do.  I have freely been given love, and I want to give it just as freely.  I’ll start with my list, but I can only hope over a lifetime it’s not a list but Christ in me doing all the loving.