all caught up

I just got off the phone with one of the nearest and dearest friends I will ever have. I had started a couple different blog posts in the past couple weeks, but none of them felt authentic in the way writing should, poignant in the way words can be, or timely in the way God is a part of it. This post is authentic, poignant and timely because it’s what I’m living, thinking, breathing as I type.

So here it goes. I don’t know where you’re at in the world or where you’re at with God but there is something he taught me that he might just want to re-teach you tonight.

Due to the fact that I have moved a couple times and because there are several friends of mine that have moved as well, there are relationships that have to be nurtured despite lengthy distance. It takes time, effort and supernatural skills in scheduling to keep a relationship growing and thriving at a distance. Often, I find myself on the line with a great friend playing catch up to how her job is going, what she did for her birthday, and maybe (if there’s time) what God has been teaching her lately. As badly as I wish there was a way I could do life with her, know the ins and outs of her daily triumphs, and be there to pray in person at each mishap, I just can’t. But it’s okay.

If a long-distance friend would've called me tonight and asked about each aspect of my life (my job, my husband, being close to my family) all of those answers would be ‘great!’ There just happens to be numerous circumstances in my life that are each, simultaneously, going well. It’s a great season. New? To be sure. Exciting? To say the least, but great- all in all.

But fortunately, the phone call tonight wasn’t from a long-distance friend. She was as present in spirit and in love as anybody ever has been. After asking me how things were going, I found myself answering by traveling down several different rabbit trails that eventually led to her asking even more questions, more probing, with more effort to try and understand.

And that’s when I said it out loud. I feel distant from God and I’m treating him like a long-distant friend. It finally hit me that I had been approaching God as if I was playing catch up. I wasn’t spending enough time with him. I wasn’t listening. My prayers were half-hearted. And I was dishing out empty promises that somehow put me back even further in the catch-up line.

God doesn’t play catch up. And he doesn’t need us to either. He’s been that friend doing life with me, experiencing the ins and outs of my daily triumphs, and wishing I’d pray about each mishap. He knows what’s new with me and here’s the crazy part- there’s nothing new with him. He’s the same. He’s still present. He’s still powerful. He’s still perfect. He’s still God.

He’s been quietly waiting, patiently hoping that I’d realize there’s no catching up to do. There’s not enough Bible verses to read, devotions to ponder, deep conversations to have, or church to attend to make myself more presentable in the eyes of my God.  Right where I am is the closest I could ever be. And it feels good to be all caught up. 

really full

Alex and I have been married almost three months, and being married to my best friend has been wonderful and fun and full of laughter and newness and… absolutely nothing that I expected it to be.  Call me traditional, but as a new bride the things I was most excited for included folding Alex’s clothes, making dinners for us to sit down and eat together, watching SportsCenter as part of our nightly routine, and sending him out the door in the morning with a lunch full of his favorites. 

In 3 months I have cooked maybe a dozen times.  The last date we went on was during our 4-day honeymoon.   Last week the laundry was so bad that as I was getting ready in the morning I said in very frustrated tone (as if it was his fault), “Babe, I need a bra!” And proceeded to dig through the blue laundry basket until I found one.  Yeah, that happened.  Full time work and an extra busy month, full time school, book club, men’s group… like all of you, our lives have been incredibly, at times overwhelmingly, full.     

And Tuesday, I felt a whole lot of empty. 

I had not been to my bible study group in five weeks.  Five full weeks— sans the one week the girls picked up the group and brought it to me because they are just that great.  And Tuesday, the first day I actually could go in over month, I really didn’t want to.  I was battling a cold and feeling sluggish (read: lazy) and didn’t really want to make the drive and…yada yada yada.  So I decided not to go… and that lasted a few minutes before I decided I HAD to go.  Well, by the end of the night I was crying—I think it was part exhaustion, part emotional release, and part guilt about being a really poor wife and friend as of late.  I said I felt spent, totally empty, and that I just wanted to rest.  {The ironic part is that I said this to a group of moms who 1) they know “spent” and 2) they fix things.  And these girls got awesome.}

Before leaving, not only did they not make me feel silly for being overwhelmed, they offered to cook a few meals I can leave in my freezer so that on really busy days Alex and I can just take one out, heat it up and spend time together.  WOW.  I really thought meal deliveries only applied when you have just had a baby or are taking care of a sick family member or some other huge life event.  But when you are part of the body of Christ, stressful seasons of life totally count as a huge life event, and that is pretty amazing.   

I should mention that my mini-meltdown is probably the smallest thing going on in all the lives of this group.  There are working moms, wives, students, wanting /expecting/wondering about/not super interested in/can’t wait for another baby moms.  There are six marriages in this group that are made up of a dozen sinful, selfish people.  There are financial issues and stewardship concerns.  There are doctor appointments and realtor appointments and job interviews.  And there are casseroles for the overwhelmed girl. 

Jesus came that we might have life, and feel really full of hope and joy and gratitude in that life.  But it is absurd to think we can manufacture that fullness all the time on our own.  We’ll get stressed or over-extended or jealous or hormonal or a million other things, but at some point we will all empty ourselves out.  All it took was hot tea with honey and the promise of a good meal to help fill me back up.  Simple, sincere, just what I did not know I needed but so badly did.

Today, I am extra grateful for women who are committed to filling one another up.  One day I hope to return the favor.  I want the world to see women who love Jesus and say, “They are loving their husband, raising kids, working in a hospital, running a business, opening their home, driving in the carpool, writing a book, praying for each other, and every so often they even go to the gym (kidding).  But they are FULL.  I want some of that.” 

B.O.C.O.D.  Body of Christ on Display. 

The thief comes to kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10

where i think big and feel small

I grew up going to a big church. Huge, actually. The kind that has its own lake to do baptisms and its own ministry for the amount of cars donated. Willow means more than a tree to me. It’s huge, but it’s home. It’s home because I’ve planted flowers by the chapel with my dad. It’s home because of the smell the old auditorium has, and it’s home because it’s where I first heard truth and met others that lived truth out. This weekend the worship team led us through a profoundly simple hymn.

You made this world. You made this world. You made this world. Thank you. Thank you.

These words. Minimal and to the point. Repeated for affect, and so refreshing to me this week.

Upon entering Kristin’s brain and taking note of the popular thoughts over the past few months, one might be surprised to find a subtle cynicism towards this world, it’s issues, and the people in it. It doesn’t take much to dim the shade of my rose-colored glasses until all I can see is darkness. The oppression, the injustice, the overall craziness creates an angst in me that I don’t know what to do with.

You made this world. You made this world. You made this world. Thank you? Thank you?

If beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, what exactly am I beholding these days? What view of this world would cause me to recklessly and radically thank the God that created it?

One of the most beautiful places I go is to the top of the hill at Indian Prairie elementary school. I visited this hill with Maisy, (the one dog I can have a full conversation with) after I got home from church on Sunday. There’s real beauty found on this hill because 1.) it floods me with memories of being young and free, 2.) it’s quiet and stoic and looks over a loud and busy town 3.) it forces me to think big and feel small. I watched my dog relentlessly concentrating to identify and enjoy each unknown smell, I closed my eyes as the crisp, fall wind blew the last of the season’s dandelion particles up the hill, and I breathed deeper the beautiful parts of the hill, the surroundings, the world. At least for a moment the overall craziness was no match for the overwhelming goodness in front of me. All I could think and quietly sing were those simple words, this time with reinvigorated meaning and penetrating authenticity.

You made this world. You made this world. You made this world. Thank you. Thank you!

There is good happening. There is hope being discovered. There is joy being lived out and there is unbearable beauty that should catch me and cut off my breath. Do I see this world as a masterpiece of a beautiful God? Or am I a piece of the problem the master longs to restore back to beauty? 

God, help me to behold the beauty you’ve put on display. May my shades of gray be warmed into colors that beam with your goodness. May my hardened heart be softened by the good you’re doing and still promise to do.  And may I find hope in a place that defaults to darkness, secure in the illuminating truth that the battle has been won.

Remind me of Steven...

“Remind me, Jesus, yet again

Of all Thine anguish and distress,

Remind me of Thy soul’s deep pain…

Ah, it is true, Our Lord and Savior, that not even in this respect dare we rely upon our own strength, as though we were able of ourselves to recall impressively enough to retain steadily this remembrance of Thee, we would so much rather dwell upon the joyful side than upon the sorrowful, we who all of us desire for ourselves good days and the peace and security of happy times, we who prefer to remain unaware in a profounder sense of the dreadful things, lest, as we foolishly think, they might make our happy life gloomy and serious…”

-Soren Kierkegaard

We all want a happy life.  We want good jobs, nice homes, new-enough cars and a closet full of presentable fashion.  Nobody wants to wonder where the next meal will come from.  Nobody grows up dreaming about their glamorous life on the streets.  And I sure don’t think there are many young girls who believe that the occupation matching their level of dignity involves the physical abuse of strangers.  No, that cannot be how little children bearing the image of the perfect Creator come into the world.  They are full of hope and promise and potential and have no idea of the limits the world will put on them when they are dreaming their young dreams.

I am a white American female, born to a middle-class family with a father who worked very hard to climb the corporate ladder (with complete integrity, I should add) and a mother who stayed home and had close to perfect attendance at every field trip and soccer game we ever had.  My life is the definition of blessed potential.

Steven is a Colombian male, born to a very poor family as one of several siblings with a father who is gone and a mother for whom it is all she can do to get out of bed every day and attempt to take care of her children.  Steven does not know how to read or write.  His life is the definition of the least of these.  And the only difference between me and little Steven: where we born— nothing either one of us earned or deserved.    

I don’t think that because so much of the world lives in poverty that we are all supposed to.  And I don’t think that because I was blessed to be born where I was as the person I am that means I should immediately move to a third world country and try to be a poor Colombian in the name of justice.  But I do think that among the many things I ask God for on a daily basis, one of them should be for Him to remind me of the things that break his heart.  It is so easy for me to go about my day in the pursuit of success and comfort, while all around me people are hurting, crying, hungry and without hope.  The least of these… the people nearest to the heart of God are most often far from mine…

I heard a story a few years ago from a well-known speaker about her young daughter, who was fascinated by flashlights.  As they checked out of the Wal-Mart with a new flashlight in hand, this little girl immediately looked up at her mother and said, “Mommy, Mommy, can we please go find some darkness?”  What wisdom there is in those words…  We have the light the world is looking for, why are we so afraid to ask for darkness?  In our pursuit of a life that is financially secure and a home that looks like it could be on pintrest, are we missing the pleas of the prophets*, the commands of God*, and the direction of Jesus*—all of them telling us to spend our lives doing everything except worrying about ourselves. 

*Isaiah 58: 6-11

*Micah 6:8

*Matthew 25:31-40/Luke 12:33

__________________________________________

None of this is new to you.  It is not new to me.  The discomfort of the pursuit of comfort in my own life has been nagging at me for the past year.  And I cannot do much today that will have a world-changing impact by tomorrow.  But I can keep my eyes open.  I can ask God for a broken heart.  My prayer requests are consistently things like please keep us safe and healthy, be with my friend who is struggling with this, help this to go well for me or my loved ones… And please don’t hear me say I am going to stop praying for these things—because I won’t, in fact I want to pray protection and happiness over the people I love my entire life. 

But, please, Lord, do not let me forget the least of these… keep close to my mind and heart all of the people who are longing for a hope that you offer… never let my world get so small that I forget you care so much more about the orphans and the widows and the homeless than you do about my next car.  I want you to remind me of Steven.  Teach me what it really looks like to live in my tiny corner of the Northwest like Jesus did—confident in His Father, bold in His faith, fair in His love, passionate in His convictions, living for your Kingdom to come on earth.      

it can wait

Katie came to visit this weekend. Extended amounts of laughter, self-discoveries and dark chocolate were to be expected. We sat down at the corner window table of the Wheaton Starbucks at 10 am and at about 12:15 pm we got up nearly having to catch our breath from the non-stop questioning, encouraging, dreaming. We walked around the farmers market, talking. Bought some daisies and an independent jazzy artist’s CD, talking. Shopped for snacks at Trader Joes, talking. Plopped on opposite ends of our sectional couch, talking. Got on the train in our sweaters, talking. And searched endlessly for a place to meet Austin for dinner, quietly. (Let’s face it, at this point we had walked the city and found ourselves too hungry to think of new topics.) I have been wanting to get my oil changed in my car for a couple weeks, but this weekend, it could wait. I had been meaning to call back this new FCA contact, but that could wait too. I was long-overdue to pay attention to my eye-brows, but all of that could wait because of the special time I was spending with my Spokane- residing best friend.

Yesterday was the 2^nd anniversary of the day Austin and I got to declare to the world, (or to about 65 of our dedicated and directionally competent friends and family) that our love was one we were willing to deepen and be committed to forever. We got married two years ago and even though our marriage is like a preemie compared to my parents’ 33 years, it is a preemie so cute and full of potential that we decided to celebrate it. We looked through the pictures of the familiar fall colors, remembering how chilly I was during the last prayer of the ceremony, how the rain fell the minute everyone sat safely inside the tent, and how we danced fearlessly and ridiculously because, well, we could.

Last night, I got to sit across from my husband and explain what he did well this past year. I got to tell him how much he challenges me, how proud I am to be his wife and how richly blessed I feel to get to talk through and walk through our days together. All the plans, scheduling, chores, relationships, and blog writing in the world could wait because of this man and what he means to me.

Who in your life is so unmistakably important that you gladly put the world on hold while you two sit and chat? Who is worth the line, ‘that can wait, I’m with ______ right now’?

This morning, God was that important. I sat and wrestled distraction. I prayed and battled doubt. I read and fought off mental to-do lists.

I sat, rested, and embraced the Holy presence of God because of one active thought pattern on repeat… it can wait.

I’m kinda tired… it can wait.

My closet is really messy… it can wait.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the… it can wait

I need to write a list of things to do today… it can wait.

I’ve got to start reading… it can wait.

I should really wash this dish before the cereal crusts over… it can wait.

I want to email… it can wait.

I need to text that person and tell them I’m praying for them… it can wait.

…

…

…

Strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord.

…

…

…

I need to write the blog post about this... even that can wait.

To be honest, I'm not always that good at saying, it can wait.  In fact there are an embarrassing amount of mornings my priorities look like this: ‘God can wait, I’m with my blanket and pillow right now,’ or 'God can wait, I'm with Matt Lauer right now.'  And you know what? Those days are tragic. I know I'm not filled up to extraordinarily love how God would have me love, I'm not equipped to detect lies from a mile away, and I'm not reflecting the light my savior has called me to shine into dark places. And unlike my facebook, those things can't wait. So help me get there. Check in on me to make sure I'm putting all else on hold. For HE is worth it and will be tomorrow too.

the dream table

What do you get when you combine two incredibly extroverted friends, iced coffee, and an early Friday morning?  You get that table you wish you were not sitting by at Starbucks because you can no longer focus on your morning paper over the “oh myyy gossshh” and “that’s amazziinggg” and “I’m sooo exciteddd for youuu” statements.  My dear friend, Emily, and I… we are not quiet or shy with our emotion.  Pretty much if we think it, we say it, and when we say it, we feel it for each other.  It makes for one heck of a friendship.  It does not make for a good reading environment if you are anywhere near us and for that, I am sorry (kind of… because it is open seating at Starbucks, and you are more than welcome to either eavesdrop or move {insert somewhat smug smile here}).

I love this time.  And I love it even more now that Emily has deemed it our “dream table.” 

The conversations that happen around this table are a lot of things: they are hopeful and encouraging and sometimes thought provoking and often hard.  But they are always real.  One of us is confessing that we want to check our heart when it comes to material things, never replacing the Giver with the gift.  The other saying that she totally gets it, and has to remind herself all the time not to compare who has more or dresses better.  Then we talk about adoption (“does it sound crazy to you?”), serving out of our comfort zone (“should we put ourselves out there?”), church (“what did you get out of it?”), body image (“oh sheesh, it never gets better than college!”), raising kids (“how can I inspire them?”) … and how to live in the balance of all of those things with an accurate view of Jesus in the center of it all.  It is not easy to do that, and that is why we need the dream table.

Here are the rules for sitting at the dream table: You have to be 100% honest.  Whether we agree or disagree with each other, we have to say what we are really thinking no matter how much we know the other person won’t want to hear it, or else we won’t be growing—and therefore never really living.  You have to be 100% vulnerable.  If you aren’t willing to share the insecurities, the mistakes, or the depths of who you are and what you have been through with the people sitting across from you, the dream table is probably not going to be your thing.  And you have to be 100% there.  You have to fully guard that time at the dream table as sacred time, willing to learn, willing to put out of your mind the agenda for the rest of your day, willing to let some serious holy humbling happen to you.

The thing about life is that we don’t really know as much as we think we do.  Kristin wrote so beautifully last week about the few truths we really can hold on to in life, but outside of those, most of what we do and how we live is simply one foot in front of the other, often in the dark, sometimes feeling totally alone, and every once in a walking straight in to a wall when we were so sure the door was open.  I think we will live between the tensions of our lives here in this world and the desperate longing for our real home until the day we get there, and the answers about how to do that well are not always that tangible.  But to tell you the truth, I feel a lot closer to answers at the dream table.  If nothing else, I feel more confident in what that next step in the dark is or isn’t, because I was vulnerable enough to share it and my friend was honest enough to tell me what she thought.

A few years from now, we might look back at our time at the dream table and remember that it was the place so many ideas were born and encouraged, so many topics covered, so many tears cried, and so many prayers offered.  And what could be better than that?  If you can find a table and a few gals to pull up a chair and together put your messy lives out there, you’ll be better for it.  We have a mighty mission in front of us: doing our part to let God’s kingdom come on earth.  And we all have a part.  Learning how to live this out, in word and in action, just might start at your dream table. 

what i know for sure

I must confess: I have been putting off this entry. Today’s post has been in the works in my mind for um… two weeks. Not because of the complexities of material, the poetic details, or intricacies of thought… no… simply because I have NO idea where to start.

I’ve spent the past couple weeks engulfed with information. I’m one of those people who will choose to read about six books at a time. I’ll begin reading a book about humility, be drawn by an author that I love that’s written about grace, receive a recommendation from a person I trust of a book I NEED TO READ NOW (I mean, it’s life changing), all the while, I’m half-way into two assigned books from work, a book I’ve started in a study, and oh yeah, the WORD of God every once in awhile.

It’s gotten to the point that I’m bringing my kindle to “workout.” I place my reader on the front of the treadmill as I walk at a slight incline. Yes, I walk uphill at a slight incline. This coming from the girl who had to do lunges and sprints up the track stadium bleachers at ASU. (If you know the track bleachers, you’ll be impressed. If you are a track athlete, volleyball players probably don’t impress you.)  I still remember running 400’s with my team while some Olympic track and field athletes were training in Tempe. First off, why are volleyball players running 400’s? Secondly, that was embarrassing. As embarrassing as admitting you're a 25 year old that walks uphill for a workout? Eh, it's a toss-up. 

All this to say, the information darting through my brain has made the start of this post nearly impossible. Theories. Ideas. Opinions. Tactics. Practices. Musings. All great. All thought-provoking. But missing one common theme. Truth.

I don’t know much about this life. I know even less about the one to come. But in the midst of jumbled jibber jabber what quietly raises back up to the surface of my mind is what I know for sure. What I’m certain of, and what I base my life around. And even though you may think this entry is one giant contradiction because you think the statements I’m about to make are my opinions, I invite you to dig a little deeper and start dialogue with someone you trust about what exactly YOU know for sure.

The fear and wonder it took to create me is worth writing about.

The grace I call amazing is worth singing about.

The weakness of God is stronger than I’ll ever be.

True love is dying for someone without caring if they ever acknowledge it.

The more trying I do the more imperfect I become.

I know a man that is the same today as he was yesterday. And will be forever perfect.

When I breathe my last, I’ll know true freedom. In heaven with a good and gracious God.

And Lastly, the Chicago Cubs will again win the World Series… (that one’s for my mom.)